Extremely Long and Very TMI...

I have so much running through my head right now.

I am extremely sad for one of my students.  He is going through something very difficult right now.  I pray God comforts him!  Please send him your prayers!  He needs them!  I pray he realizes that this was not something he could control and that it is not his fault!

I would like to share an article with you titled Infertility: 16 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman Who Is Childless But Not By Choice

   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracey-cleantis/infertility-16-things-you_b_1449350.html?ref=fb&icid=maing-grid10%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdl19%7Csec1_lnk3&pLid=155871&src=sp&comm_ref=false

In the article, there is a section that says: "‎...things best not to say to women who have been pumped full of mind-altering hormones and endured an alphabet soup of invasive procedures (ART, IVFs, ICSI's, IUI's), miscarriages and/or had failed adoptions."

I've experienced all of these, except for the adoption. Thank God our adoption was successful!!!


I hear this one the most: "If you would just quit trying you would get pregnant," or, "If you would adopt you would get pregnant."

When someone says these things to me, I want to say, "Really?!?!  I have adopted, but not for that reason.  An you're saying egg and sperm quality have nothing to do with it? You're telling me everyone could get pregnant without help? And where did you obtain your medical degree?"  But that's mean, so I'll never say it.


When it comes to painful things, its hard for me to share that with others.  I am going to try and open up some right now.  I hope it helps me heal.  Sharing my journey through IVF was easy, but talking about the miscarriage is difficult for me.  After it happened, I went right back to work and resumed life as if nothing happened.  I basically tried to ignore it. I guess that was denial???


It worked for 3 months before it hit me.  I imagine someone is reading this and thinking, "Get over it.  It happened almost 4 months ago.  It's not as if you held the baby."  Until you've been in this situation, its hard to explain.  I'll give it my best, though.  Imagine trying to have a baby, but it just isn't happening.  I know someone on her 3rd child, and we have yet to have one.  Imagine trying for over 6 years.  Imagine giving yourself shots every morning and night.  Imagine the hormones you are injecting making you crazy.  Imagine spending thousands of dollars trying to get that baby.  Imagine having 14 eggs retrieved.  Imagine 8 of them fertilizing.  Imagine 4 of them surviving to day 3.  Imagine only 2 making it to day 5, the day of the embryo transfer.  Imagine having none to freeze.  Imagine all your hope on those 2 little embryos.  After waiting years, literally, you finally see 2 lines on that beautiful test.  Imagine thinking, "I'm going to finally have a baby."  You get to see that baby on the ultrasound.  You get to see its little heart flicker on screen.  Imagine giving yourself (or the hubby giving you) intramuscular injections for 9 weeks to make sure the baby stays put.  Imagine those years of hopes and dreams for that baby.  Imagine talking about baby names for 11 weeks.  Imagine going in for that next ultrasound to find out that your baby probably wouldn't make it.  Imagine the next ultrasound where you find out that your baby had died.  Imagine waiting for a couple weeks to miscarry.  The baby is gone, but a "missed miscarriage" occurs.  Your body doesn't realize the pregnancy is no longer viable.  You don't want to admit it either.

The actual miscarriage was painful as well.  I probably shouldn't share this, but I'm going to anyway.  Imagine getting to hold your baby (well gestational sac) in the palm of your hand afterwards.  I can say I held my baby.  I never felt it move, but I got to hold him/her.  All those years of hopes, dreams, baby names, hormones, money, gone.  What would you do?

It would have been one thing to do IVF and it not work.  It is totally different when it works, but ends horribly.  I know these experiences have changed both Shawn and I.  Oh my!  Yes, people do change, and its not always a bad thing!  Thank God for Shawn!  I would be lost without him!  He knows when I need comfort, a hug, or even a simple touch.  He can make me feel better with just a look.  I am so lucky to have him!

I have been hurt deeply by others in the past.  Especially within the past few years.  It makes me want to avoid feeling hurt, ever again.  So I tried to ignore it.  It didn't work.  At some point, we all must deal with the things that hurt us.  A wonderful friend invited us to go to her church.  I hadn't been since I miscarried.  I hadn't found the right church for me, so I sort of, gave up.  We started going to this church Easter Sunday.  That wasn't long ago, but it has definitely helped me.  Hence, why I'm opening up now.  Every week, the pastor captivates me and his messages hit home.  I usually go home and cry after church.  I can finally talk about it and write about it.  I think I am finally starting to heal.  Sunday in church we talked about the 5 stages of grief.  They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I think I am finally accepting it.  I know I will always carry this with me.  I will always miss our baby.  I pray that time continues to heal both Shawn and I.

I am so thankful to have Zac and Abby.  They are wonderful!  Okay, yes, they are not perfect.  Yes, they do get into trouble, but I wouldn't trade them for the world!  They bring so much joy to our lives.  Shawn and the kids were in the kitchen the other day while I was folding laundry in the other room.  Hearing Shawn talk to the kids and explain things to them was good for my soul.  He is such an amazing father!

Thanks for reading!

Take Care!

~Sam